this ones for me...and maybe you too

I have been wanting to write this for a while now, but never really knew how to say what it is a wanted to get across. I still don't, but here goes anyways. So we write on our blogs for many different reasons and love to see a bit into our friends and families lives, but how much do we really know. I know that personally I don't put all my dirty laundry out for all to see. Well maybe we should put a little more out there. It just might make a difference to someone.

The past few months have been a little difficult in our home. You may not have even noticed because we were pretty good about keeping things to ourselves. A few people know what was going on because we did open up to them or they just happened to cross my path at the wrong time. :) Not to get into too much detail, but let's just say that things were stressed. I was always tired and I do mean always, stressed, snappy and always felt like I was going to explode at any minute. Some other things too, but not going to get into all that. :) I just felt like I couldn't handle the day to day things in life and needed to eliminate as much unneeded stress as possible.

So I finally had it with the situation. I took the advice from a few people and began to try and figure things out and get to the bottom of things. A few changes were made and I am much better these days and feel more like my "OLD" self again. I still don't really know what the issue was and probably never will.

A lot of you know that a friend of ours passed away a little over a month ago. Traci was the kind of person that if you were lucky enough to meet her than you would never forget her. She had a smile that lit up the room and a light about her. You couldn't help but to love her. When I got the call from Shellie about here death it shook me hard. I had known that she was dealing with a few issues, but not to the extent that I would come to find out. Finding out her story really helped me in a positive way. So I am so glad that her family was willing to share it with the world. Ever since her passing I look at like a little differently and try to be more positive.

Like I said, Traci's story really hit me hard. I know the plan of salvation and that this is not the end for us, but still you can't help but to ask WHY when something like this happens. She was so young, had a wonderful husband, two beautiful young daughters and things were starting to look up for her. I often find myself in tears when I put Chloe to bed at night thinking of Traci. How unfair it feels that she can't be doing the same right now. Honestly, I think about her most days.I think it just hit so hard because her and her family were in a similar place in life as many of us are. She will be missed by many!!

So sometimes if you are having a bad day, share it with us. I know now that a lot of you have had the same feelings as me and I love to know that. And don't be afraid to be a friend. You may have more of an impact on someone than you think.

OK, so here is an article about Traci that I loved and want to always remember. Happy birthday tomorrow my friend, you will be thought about with love and fond memories.


08:11 AM PDT on Saturday, June 7, 2008

By LAURIE LUCAS
The Press-Enterprise

As Mitch McKnight sat with his two little girls in a park Monday afternoon, he told them that their mother was dead because the car she was driving slammed into a train.

That evening, Sarah, 2, still hadn't accepted the news.

"Please bless Mommy's dying," she said while reciting her prayers. "Help her get better."

Traci Lynn McKnight, a loving, wisecracking wife was so devoted to her children and to her faith that her family doesn't believe she killed herself.

Instead, they cling to other explanations about conditions that could have confused her and caused the collision at the intersection of Spruce Street and Watkins Drive, near UC Riverside: The sun might have been in her eyes, trains rarely pass that site, the crossing lacks gates, and side effects from her medications for mental illness.

They don't know if she was wearing sunglasses.

"Traci was adamant that she would never want to be away from her two little girls," said her sister, Michelle Ramirez, 37, of Rancho Cucamonga. "She might have been distracted and didn't have a full focus."

At 9:30 a.m. Monday, Traci McKnight crashed her rented car. Witnesses said the front of the northbound BNSF Railway train was well past the intersection when the motorist drove east on Spruce and struck the train at about 50 mph.

Despite warning lights and bells, there was no sign that McKnight attempted to brake for either the stop sign at the corner or for the train, police said.

Upbeat Frame of Mind

McKnight left no suicide note.

Her therapists, who were treating her for psychological problems, told her husband that she was doing well.

He agrees. A week ago Friday the family enjoyed a peaceful, tension-free visit to Disneyland, he said. Looking forward to future events, she'd circled loved ones' birthdays and anniversaries on a wall calendar.

On Monday, McKnight was running late for a 9 a.m. doctor's appointment in San Bernardino.

Mitch dropped off the two girls, 4 and 2, at the University Children's Center, while Traci got dressed.

"She was in a good mood. There was no anger. She said she'd clean up the milk the girls spilled on the rug when she got back," he recalls.

Her last words: "Love you, bye."

Because their Honda Accord was being repaired, Traci drove off in the 2007 Nissan Sentra they had been renting all week.

Although she was headed toward eastbound Interstate 215, her husband speculates that Traci turned around and sped home when she realized she'd forgotten her wallet.

The car was crushed under the train and spun around, police said. A blue purse lay on the pavement near the car.

'She Had Faith'

"I don't believe the Traci I knew would take her own life," said her best friend, Melissa Wheeler, 26, of Apple Valley. "She had faith and she knew her purpose on earth."

A popular honor student at Chaffey High School in Ontario, Traci Kendall was captain of the cheerleading squad.

She taught middle school math in San Bernardino after she got her undergraduate degree at Cal State San Bernardino, where she majored in education.

She met Mitch McKnight at a dance at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Mitch, who is 6-foot-4, said he immediately picked out the stunning brunette from the crowd because she was a 6-footer.

They wed in April 2002.

For the past two years, the McKnights have been living in family student housing at UCR, where Mitch finished up his bachelor's degree in chemical engineering last December.

He has been interviewing for jobs in his field while working for his father's general contracting business in Hemet.

A Determined Fight

But for the past four years, the young woman who friends say was a comfort to everyone else, struggled.

"I never knew a person who fought her illness the way Traci did," her friend Melissa Wheeler said.

Traci taped upbeat messages all over her house that said: "I Love Being Me." "I Will Only Be Controlled By Me." "I Am Strong."

Next to a framed wall portrait of Jesus Christ are the words: "The way may be difficult at times, but I will always be there."

Mitch said that after the birth of their first child, Autumn, therapists diagnosed Traci as bipolar, formerly known as manic depression.

"It's like the pregnancy flipped a switch," Mitch said.

This serious mental illness, caused by a chemical imbalance, is treated with drugs and therapy. People who have it experience dramatic mood swings and can be suicidal, according to the National Institute of Mental Health.

Mitch said Traci also suffered from obsessive-compulsive problems. Distressed about gaining weight, she was considering bariatric surgery.

Picking Up the Pieces

On Thursday, Willy McKnight, 22, Mitch's brother, was cleaning up Mitch and Traci's little house. The living room overflows with baskets of toys, Dr. Seuss and cookbooks, and shoes, especially flip-flops.

Traci's knickknacks, photo albums, candles, statues of animals and angels and vases of flowers remain untouched.

Mitch and the girls have temporarily moved into his parents' home in Hemet. He has accepted a job as a research associate at a biotech company in San Diego.

"She wouldn't kill herself," Willy McKnight said. "But now she's in God's hands."

Services will be held at 10 a.m. Monday at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 181 W. Blaine St., Riverside. A 3 p.m. burial service will be held at Bellevue Memorial Park, 1240 W. G St., Ontario.

Contributions can be made to the Traci McKnight Memorial Fund by sending an e-mail to tracimmf@gmail.com.

Friends can post tributes and remembrances on myspace .com/tracimcknight.